After talking for a month we met for our first date. It went well however no second date for one month, and 2 weeks later a 3rd date. After that we would see each other once a week. A few times, he invited me to sleep over and he was a perfect gentleman—lots of holding and cuddling. After 4 months, we were intimate only once.
It was a great experience, to me at least. Two weeks after our intimacy he had the flu and was down a week without us seeing one another.
Without coming out and asking if he is no longer interested, what should I do? When are you available? See my most recent post on effective communication to give you more ideas about approaching your guy. Good luck! Thanks so much for the reply.
I am taking the initiative to ask direct questions—not ones that feel like I am probing or fishing—and openly expressing my feelings behind the questions!
I truly feel for you as I have been in so many situations like yours — many. I wasted so many years breaking my heart over them all introverted academics It led nowhere. Often the guys are interested they are just really messed up about it and it goes nowhere but hurt the woman they are sending mixed signals to. Sorry again to be harsh, just trying to save you time and pain. Hi FPD, Thank you for your time.
You are absolutely right. Good to know that you agree with what the others said. Sometimes i recharge by being with people and sometimes, in fact increasingly more as I realize that the best feedback i can get on how to manage my emotions lies within myself , i seek time by myself to recharge. I tend to be attracted to introverts. There is something about the quiet authenticity and the ability more like the need that introverts have to establish and maintain personal boundaries that i respect and am attracted to.
For instance: I met H in early March through common friends. As friends, we connected almost straight away and realized that we have a lot in common. We saw each other almost weekly among friends then in mid April we took a road trip with everyone and the two of us connected even more, chatting and sharing meaningful details about our lives.
It was clear already during that trip that we were attracted to each other. A week after we got back I invited him to have dinner with me. We had such a lovely evening that I stole a kiss from him, which he returned threefold, and we ended up making out. I felt very close to him and he clearly was as attracted to me as I was to him.
We talked a lot that night and he told he about his tendency to overthink, how he had not been in a relationship in three years, how he was worried about messing this up etc.
He also said how happy and lucky he felt about being with me. Two days later we joined our friends on a trip to the beach and he grabbed my hand almost as soon as we got there and hung onto it, making it clear to everyone that we were together that was him initiating. We spent that night together too. I checked on him but gave him space. He agreed to come over on Wednesday and said we needed to talk.
That we had to slow everything down a lot and talk through things. I said I was OK with that and that what we had definitely seemed worth taking at the right pace. I related to a lot of what he said. Two days later we went to the movies as a group and he withdrew from me when i tried to hold his hand. He kept saying he was tired and although i was hurt I told him it was OK and encouraged him to rest.
I knew we had to clear things up so i prompted him and we met that Sunday. Strangely, he then said that he saw parallels with the situation he was trying to get over, where he had admitted to loving someone and she had turned him down then gone ahead and dated one of his close friend, which hurt him even more.
I was very confused by then because that comparison made no sense 1 I had been careful to not allow myself to feel too strongly about it all or tell him what I felt so soon and 2 though his behavior he clearly showed that he had feelings for me for a while. I told him it was OK, that I appreciated what it took to open up that way, that I knew that he was under a lot of pressure trying to wrap up his Masters degree, that I just wanted him to be happy, I told him that there had been no damage done and even tried to put the current events in his life in perspective to cheer him up.
He seemed better when I left. When I invited our friend group to come over to dinner a week later he came, which surprised me since he seemed to have gone through such trauma during our last conversation. It seemed that I had handled his feelings well. He responded a day later, saying he was OK, we chatted briefly and I left it at that. I did see him at social events once or twice and he seemed uncomfortable around me. The one time we were all together and he seemed OK he also had a lot to drink.
I know now that we jumped into things too fast and that he probably showed maturity by re-establishing his boundary when he needed it. Clearly I should not prompt things again. The age gap most likely does not help either. Do all of the group get togethers wear him out? Has he ever had a secure and long lasting relationship? He sounds like he distances himself when there is too much intimacy or even group togetherness.
If it were me, I would probably move on. You seem to have yourself together and deserve a partner who does not give you mixed signals. I hope you find it helpful and not too direct. Best wishes for your future relationship. You deserve, and need, someone in a better place than he seems to be in. The key with an introvert — at least for me — is to truly hear what that person says. And if resistance is apparent in how you respond, it can take very little to shut things down.
With me, if you want to know, ask. And sensitively. Just be willing and wanting to hear, and to try to understand. No judgments. I will offer that in return. Introverts can often be extremely sensitive to any criticism, direct, implied, perceived.
And if we feel accepted, if we feel that you truly want to know what we think … watch out! It can open floodgates! From a man who is quite on the introverted end of things.
Hi Michael, Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts. I am aware and value the fact that criticizing, judging or showing resistance does not help.
If one partner is always prompting for communication or anything else for that matter , it quickly bcomes a drain. I just hope that some introverts are happy to do their share of the work it takes to reciprocate and be forthcoming with communication.
Caroline, you are of course right. It takes both parties. Both need to be interested in who the other is, what the other thinks and feels — more importantly, often, feels, for introverts. It surely is both ways. It sure looks like you have done everything you can do. I appreciate the difficulty. I appreciate your thoughts, C. If they like you and want to be with you they will find a way. You have given this guy you had a very brief fling with plenty of chances in case he is confused.
He knows you are willing and available…so what is the mystery? FPD, just had to agree with you: guys are very simple. Brenda has given us a nifty place here … thanks, Brenda! Hi I read this article and I definitely relate to everything. I love extroverts, but I also love alone time way much more. Great article Brenda!!!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. You choose to drive to a house in the countryside. During this time, your partner sends you a message, say once in 5 days… which you choose not to reply to. How do you feel deep inside about this moment? Do you feel mad that your partner did not leave you alone? Or do you feel happy that you see him, but only if he stays shortly, say an hour or so? They obviously want complete solitude and to be left alone. I can understand the worry that something might be wrong, which is why they should respond via text, allay your fears and maintain their solitude.
Thank you Brenda, you were right. Day after, the change arrived. Was brought me here was trying to understand my girlfriend. Thank you for the articles. Maybe I will never know. I would like to describe the situation, maybe you have some meaningful input. Apologizing in advance if this is not the place for this kind of questions.
I met my, now exgirlfriend, years ago, while travelling in Asia. I met her only twice for an hour or two at some random places. We exchanged email contacts. She was from say France, I was from say Portugal.
Dropped and email, she replied. We felt huge deep connection. We were writing deeply about true love, about spirituality, exchanging poetry… It was surprising how deep the connection was. She was travelling to India for spiritual retreat. Month later, I went there to meet her. Yes it was amazing, but many times she just wanted to walk away and not talked to me. Said that she was connected with me deeper in our email conversations, and was hard for her to find connection now.
This is what brought me to your side. We spent a month together, and even though there were differences, we had an amazing time. When I had to return to my country, she was devastated of me leaving. Said she was scared of suffering again. She had anxiety attacks sometimes. When she came home, she found her loving family in destruction. She was still saying how she loves to meet me, but she felt very bad spiritually and desperately needed some spiritual guidance.
She had an old friend who was kind of her spiritual guru… and she decided to go to visit him. This is when everything changed. Since then everything changed. Since then our contact got worse. When she was talking, she sounded very sad and depressed. She would only reply to some of them. I was mostly listening.
But the last thing she said was she might go to her guru in the countryside again and said: Come with me. The next day, I asked in a message if she decided to go to her guru. Next day I sent a message: Are you here?
One day later another short message. One week later I sent a short, one-sentence supportive email wishing her beautiful solitude. No answer. Now, 2 weeks after I last time heard anything from her, I became worried, if she was OK. Maybe suffering depression somewhere? That was what lead me to my question above. What initially seemed like a system error, turned out into the realization, that she blocked me. Like she actively went into settings and actively chosen me to be blocked from sending her messages, and even seeing her profile.
She also blocked me on skype, on her phone… Later I found out it was done after my last message, more than a week ago.
I want to go on with being by myself again. I know you give me freedom, but I dont want you to worry. I am very happy alone. Trust our paths will cross again. I guess it means break up. And this is what is giving me the biggest confusion of my lifetime. My head is full of crazy questions I might never get answer to.
Or maybe did I sent too many messages? Or has nothing to do with me? And mostly, why would a person say Come with me one day, that wouldnt reply the next day to a short question, and then just block me everywhere? Why would a person block me at all. Endless questions turn inside my head. But if anything could help me understanding her motives, I would be grateful. Unfortunately, she may never tell me. Needless to say, regardless of what happens, I truly love her.
In case someone read this and was interested in what it was, the answer to the question was fairly simple. And the reason why she blocked me? According to her, she blocked me and many other people, and she had done it also once long time ago, because it feels right for her not to be overwhelmed by many messages in her mailbox. I guess it has something to do with wanting to be alone. She says she is searching for herself and felt like I was holding her back, that she felt much too much expectations and attachment.
So I thought it had something to do with depression. But seems like it was introvert behavior backed up by a huge deal of self-centered behavior, only looking at persons own immediate needs, as they happen, without looking at people around. I know, no one is perfect, we all carry positive and negative traits inside us. So I have no hard feelings. Still, thank you for your explanation, Brenda. Too late for me to learn it, but still nice to know.
She really should have told you when and why she put blocks on her communications. I understand and respect your concern for her well-being. It could have been depression. Her actions emulated those of a depressed person. Just came across this article and it spoke to my situation. I have a dear friend who is separated from her husband and we enjoy talking, cooking, having a drink, and doing things together. It seems that when things are going well, we have a great time.
But, for no reason that I can understand, she will suddenly pull away and there is very little contact. While I respect boundaries and try to understand the need for alone time…. I am not told of the change, it just happens. I often feel as if I have done something wrong. I want to understand, but I also wish that introverts would understand that extroverts are not mind readers and sometimes we feel as if we have no choice but to guess what happened.
For me…. You are right. Your introverted friend should tell you if she needs to be alone and why. I suggest telling her you are learning about the ways and needs of an introvert and welcome any insight she can offer. Tell her you enjoy spending time with her and are confused by her sudden absences.
A little vulnerability goes a long way toward increased intimacy. I wish you the best of luck PR. She asked me not to take it personally, but it is hard not to feel hurt. I am not sure where to go from here because I truly care about her and wish her nothing but happiness. Of course I do. She is one of my closest friends. Which is why I will give her her space and continue to support her.
My boyfriend is an introvert and we live together and everything was perfect and we were both very happy. His he got a new job working on a super yacht where he would need to be gone for several months at a time, but the plan was that he would come home and live with me in between rotation. He was devastated to leave. The job has gone very badly and he is being treated horribly by the captain and overworked. He has to live on the boat.
He recently quit, but he is staying there until they reach Europe. The problem is, he has no time to recharge because he lives on the boat — which means he barely speaks to me. I have tried not to and I have given him a lot of space, but nothing will help right now. Now he says he has decided to go back to the UK, where he is from, to sort out his life and find out who he is. I have been giving him space, but so long as he is on the boat he will be drained. It sounds like your man does need some quality recharge time.
He may need a shot of confidence and encouragement to build him back up again. The big question is how dedicated is he to the relationship? You may have to be the anchor in his life pun intended;. Keep showing up for him and let him know what you value about him. I can talk to anyone, anywhere about anything.
I get a long extremely well with any age group. Socially I interact better than any of the extroverts I know. Then I get guilt trips. I digress. I get these guilt trips about how much I could be sharing, helping, imparting, whatever…. I also seem to attract controlling, domineering, obsessive women.
Women who want to change me, want to change how I do things, when I do them, who I hang out with or talk to. He gets me. He was just laughing because someone called to check up on us. She enjoys being alone! I mean not even out shopping? Hats off to you for homeschooling five children! Oh my. I love how you reply to long winded busybodies with succinct answers. Your relationship with your husband sounds great.
Sending you strength and good health, but enjoy your morning sickness retreat. I had a studio apt. I felt extremely suffocated. I do feel like I want to cry when I cant be alone, I feel paralyzed and Im tired of arguing with people about this. I told you months ago, I ended up in the hospital because I almost had a break down, being constantly bothered, sent my nervous system into shock.
I felt like I was having a heart attack, I was sleep deprived, they said my blood pressure was up, and they kept me until it went down. I was overly stimulated. People make me sick sometimes more than the weather. Some times I feel like a wanted woman, from men to people I come in contact with.
I really hope you can get some quality sleep. That is my 1 recommendation. Sleep deprivation is crazy-making. I mean it. May you find the quiet and calm you seek in order to slowly repair your frayed nerves and depleted adrenal glands. I have been in your place. I also recommend meditation and exercise. They will help with the high levels of cortisol that are not doubt swimming in your system. Breathe Morena. In time this will pass.
Being quiet is not something that they do. Other peoples idea of relaxing is having on a loud radio, loud tv, talking on the phone, watching loud videos on the internet,yelling, etc constant noise for hours. I was tired! This girl talks my ear off. If I do live with another man again, he has to be quiet. The only noise I can take is the sound of the ocean and slow romantic music, classical rhythm and blues, anything soothing.
I get anxiety around noisy people and loud environments. I love people and can be social, but after a couple of hours or less I gotta be alone. I crave solitude. You are definitely a sensitive lady. It sounds like you have been around a lot of noise that put you on high alert. Your nervous system needs a break.
I have found people that do not put me on edge. They have soothing voices and quiet movements. There are a lot of loud voices out there too. I suggest hanging out in nature, in coffee shops, libraries and other places where writers and thinkers hang out. I was married for 25 years, with 3 kids. I loved being a father. Loved having kids. I always struggled being married.
After 25 years, I divorced. Very costly. Before these lights came on, I met a woman online. She lived about miles away. She was in a hurry to get married. For various reason, I finally did, though with a lot of trepidation. We live together. And I realize that I simply cannot live together. I crave, as you said, solitude. Crave it. She is around far too much for me. When I have explained this before, she has gotten very … personal. Desperately wanting to avoid conflict, I have tried to live together.
Like you, I cannot sleep well with her. If we periodically slept together, and lived apart — which I had suggested long ago; she agreed to try, then changed her mind — it might be different. I need calm and quiet, and solitude. At the age of 60, I finally really see this about myself.
I crave connection, too. But living with someone is, I think, something that I simply cannot do. Not if I want to be happy, sane, sleep well.
It is very helpful to read all the posts on this site, Brenda, and your story, Morena. Thank you for sharing it. It gives me strength to do what I need to do, which is move out and live separately. Otherwise, I will emotionally and spiritually wither. Oh Michael, that is such a hard decision to make and implement.
I lived with my husband for 17 years. I had no solitude. I definitely can relate to the sleep thing. I need a quiet sleep partner. Even pets make it hard for me to sleep. One question, is your wife an introvert? I am curious whether or not it is easier to live with another introvert. Hugs to you as well as sweet Morena. Yes, it is so very hard. And it taints everything. It becomes hard for me to see who she is.
I know who she is; I sense her better than she senses herself. It sounds awful. And I know that, in our introverted circles, we understand what we mean.
And I certainly can understand, now, how it can feel profoundly personal. I had this issue with my first wife. I was often nervous at night when we went to bed.
I had no idea why. I could do that. She is pretty much an extrovert, though she had an extremely difficult childhood, and first marriage for 23 years, and I think learned to withdraw completely into herself. She shut off most of her emotions, and through therapy first time in her life , she is finally touching that part of herself. She is a beautiful woman, person, spirit. I saw her beauty long before we ever met face to face.
I get overwhelmed with my need for my own space. I love them right next to me. Sending you courage and positive energy Michael. May your conversation be easier than you think. How much time do you need? My dh is now retired. Does that make sense? I need days sometimes. Usually at least a morning, evening or afternoon a four hour run. I imagine it feels like the summer when my kids are home most of the time. Those large chunks of solitude are broken up into an hour or two here and there.
Have you considered going to a hotel room for a few days? I know that sounds extreme but that has re-energized me in the past. I did go to a motel once.
When I have not had time alone for awhile the house suffers along with me. About the only thing I really keep up with is cooking. I wonder if being alone in nature will recharge me? Thanks for ur writeup, it was really helpful. He carries on with other aspects of his life normally. His friends say its normal cos he has been doing this to them for years. I was worried sick thinking something happened to him. Without some much-needed time alone to recharge, the introvert starts shutting down and often experiences physical symptoms.
They become more sensitive to noise, touch, light, taste, and other sensory stimuli. Their ears might ring, their skin might react to the slightest touch, and loud noises will make them jumpy or irritable. If an introvert chooses you, it means they enjoy your company more than solitude — most times. They value your perspective and appreciate what you bring to their life. It would be a mistake, though, to think they no longer need alone time.
An overstimulated introvert cannot function at full capacity. Everything in their life will suffer — from relationships to mood to job performance. And the only way to get better is to get away from people for a while and rest.
Many introverts experience social anxiety, and this snowballs when their social battery is low. Talking to a waiter may become an impossible task. An overtaxed introvert is more vulnerable to negative messages from their own heads and from others.
Critical thinking takes energy, too. So does getting outside their own heads. Ambivert vs. Sleep may be low-quality with frequent breaks in the middle of the night. Now there is a system that controls the flood of this neurotransmitter through the four major pathways of our brains. Obviously, and like everything else in our bodies, this system is made of genes.
But what does this have to do with our need for alone time? Or how spending more than a couple of hours in a party or any other social gathering makes you drained, cranky, and wanting out!
Yes, we introverts are naturally different from our fellow extroverts and it goes all way to our genes. Extroverts also feel more pleasure from external stimulants than introverts due to this genetic difference in the dopamine reward system.
So it goes this way, the more extroverts are exposed to external stimulants like social gatherings, outgoing sports.. While introverts will only get overly stimulated as time goes by, and the overflood of dopamine in our brains will often result in mental and physical exhaustion, inability to concentrate, and increased anxiety. In order for introverts to understimulate and recharge, we need to reduce the flood of dopamine in our brains by cutting off external stimulants and avoiding them.
We manage to do this by seeking time alone reflecting inwardly and doing solitary activities like reading a book, going for a walk around the neighborhood, or in my case taking a long warm shower.
Planning for our alone time during the day or throughout the week is crucial for us introverts to create a balanced lifestyle and avoid being overstimulated as much as possible. Most of us enjoy doing solitary or indoor activities anyway. Any comments or feedback are always welcome! As an introvert, I fully agree with this article.
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